This past week I was able to go on my first mountain bike ride in approximately 1 year. I was nervous because I am so out of shape and I just knew my legs and lungs would burn horribly. But, you gotta get out there and do it sometime. Even though starting from scratch is no fun, I have to start somewhere if I'm going to get back out there and enjoy riding.
After work I came home, fed the baby, then headed off to ride Tahoe Mountain (a relatively short ride but all the way on the other side of town). The weather was perfect for riding. It felt SO good to sweat! SOOO good to get my heart rate up. SOOO good to get muddy and enjoy some fresh mountain air. The downhill reminded me that I do enjoy mountain biking. I needed to do this for myself. After the ride I had some endorphins flowing through my blood... I was feeling good! It was ALL great until...
... I called Mike to let him know I was on the way home and he mentioned he was starting bath time with Clayton. BATH TIME! Then comes bottle and next is BEDTIME! Suddenly I realized that I had basically missed my baby's entire day! And I cried. Stupid hormones.
But seriously, if I hadn't gone on the bike ride, I would've felt guilty for not taking care of myself... for always putting myself last. But by being gone all day I felt guilty for not spending enough time with my baby that day! There is no way to win!
Luckily I made it home while Mike was still giving him a bottle. Through my tears I asked if I could please finish giving him his bottle and put him to bed. Of course Mike agreed and he went upstairs to start our dinner (he is seriously the best). So, I ended the day with some sweet bottle time, reading, and snuggles with my baby - and he didn't seem to care that I was sweaty, smelly, and covered in dried mud.
This really made me realize that mom's put a lot of pressure on themselves. Pressure to be everywhere at once. Pressure to be everything to everyone. I genuinely wanted to be on that mountain and home with my baby at the same time. What's a mom to do? If anyone knows, please tell me!
I've decided to forgive myself of this guilt (at least in this one instance). I can only do so much. I can't do it all. Taking care of myself is not selfish, it's necessary. Life is ALL about balance. I'm not going to mountain bike everyday and never see my son but I also can't spend all day, everyday with him (it's really not good for either of us). Balance.
I'm sure I will feel this mom guilt frequently but the best I can do is try to work through it each time.
I didn't take many pictures this past week and the ones I did, I posted to facebook. Check back next week for more pictures! I will try to do better.
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