It was first mentioned yesterday during the church sermon. And later I read the same phrase in a yoga passage (I am reading a book of daily essays re: yoga/meditation). We are prone to wander. We wander away from God but He always accepts us back. It's easy to wander away from Him when life is going smoothly... and then we go crying back to him when we hit a bump in the road. This has been especially true in my life. I am so blessed that I was raised in a Christian household. I'm happy that I was taught to have faith in a God who is bigger than me. Around my college years I turned away from that faith. I didn't do anything bad. I wasn't a little hellion. I just didn't practice my faith. I only prayed when I desperately needed an A on a test, but I hadn't studied. Or I prayed that I would make enough money at my commission based job to be able to buy a new outfit to wear to the club on Friday night. Yep. Seriously. That was the extent of my praying.
Occasionally I would pray for forgiveness of my sins, but that was usually when my stress level had skyrocketed and I was desperate for someone to relieve me of it. (Please note: I have always had a pretty easy life... I came from a loving home... got a good education, etc. I had nothing to be stressed over at the time, but I couldn't understand that. I have never handled stress particularly well).
At some point I reached a point in my life where I wanted to know God again. I wanted a relationship with God. I wanted to understand why so many people believe in Him, and why so many others don't. So, I started reading the Bible. I got really into it. The more I read, the more I learned, and the more I wanted to keep reading. But, I hid this from my husband. I would read while he was at work, and then hide my Bible in my dresser drawer under other items like I hadn't touched it in years. I was seriously embarrassed to be reading the Bible. Seems ridiculous now but at the time it was legitimately embarrassing to me. At some point I started praying that I wouldn't be embarrassed by it anymore... and then, I wasn't. I started leaving it out in the open. I started reading it right in front of him. And guess what? He didn't make fun of me! Imagine that. (Apparently that's what I thought would happen before if I read the Bible in front of him... I must have thought he would point and laugh at me, calling me a dork or a loser in an obnoxious voice like the little bullies from A Christmas Story).
Anyway, now I am growing in my comfort zone. I continue to go through periods of spiritual ignorance where I try to handle things on my own, denying my need for intervention from a higher power. I went through one of those periods recently. I stopped reading the Bible each morning... I also stopped working out... and I stopped eating healthy too! I started sitting on the couch, watching LOTS of tv, making excuses to avoid mountain bike rides or skiing. Before I knew it, I was 150 lbs... only 5 lbs less than the heaviest I have ever been in my life. To some, it may not sound like much and let's face it: I'm not morbidly obese. But, on my 5'3" frame, anything over 135 lbs starts to show and can't be hid with baggy clothes. It's also more about the way I feel than the way I look. At 150 lbs I'm not comfortable in my skin. My clothes aren't comfortable anymore and I refuse to buy a new wardrobe. I feel sluggish. Things are just harder when I'm at my heaviest. And things hurt more. My back hurts. My knees hurt. I don't like to hurt.
Most depressing of all, I don't feel like myself. Inside I know that I am a hiker. A paddleboarder. A runner. A mountain biker. A skier. I LOVE being active. There is no better feeling in the world than lying in bed at the end of a LONG day outside, completely exhausted and totally ecstatic with all that you saw and did that day. I like feeling strong. I like feeling that I can handle any adventure that comes my way. But I also like donuts. And icecream. And all you can eat sushi.
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But, I'm learning to love staying in one place (admittedly, that one place is still relatively new and exciting to me). I'm learning to focus on my inside instead of my outside. Since moving to Tahoe I have learned more about myself than I had in the 27 previous years combined. I have learned that our true nature is spiritual and that's what we need to focus on to be happy (not wealth or beauty). I've learned that spiritual ignorance leads to other afflictions like desire and greed and perfectionism.
I've lost the balance in my life. And it all began when I became spiritually ignorant (again). It will likely happen again at some point, but now that I'm aware of my #1 priority in life, the odds are in my favor. I no longer care if I'm 150 lbs. or 130 lbs. I don't care what size my pants are. I don't care that my teeth aren't perfectly straight even though I wore braces for 6 years (yep... 6 long years... after which I refused to wear my retainer as was instructed by my orthodontist until the point that my retainer no longer fit... totally my fault... sorry mom and dad). All I care about from this moment forward is that I keep my life in balance. The rest will fall into place.
And... I apologize for the long post but I had this revelation tonight and I knew that I needed to write it all down for that day when I inevitably get "off track" again. I will come back to this post and re-read it... quickly getting myself back "on track" before my life falls out of balance again!
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