Becoming a Mother

Y'all... the newborn stage is HARD.  I mean, they send you home from the hospital with this impossibly tiny human being and you're just supposed to KNOW how to keep it alive??? 

You return home... to your place where everything is familiar and comfortable... and yet everything is drastically different and seems impossibly difficult.  Babies take up ALL of your time (particularly if you're a breastfeeding mother).  I won't lie, I cried almost as much as the baby in those earliest days.  It was hard. 

It was also exponentially harder due to the astronomical amount of snow we got in a very short period of time.  It wasn't about cabin fever... it was about NEEDING my husband's help in the evenings. Mike was back at work and then would have to come home to HOURS of snow removal when all I desperately wanted was him inside the house, holding the baby so mama could have her hands free for just a bit.  And then, he got stuck in Sacramento for work and couldn't get home... Clayton and I had our first solo night together (which we SURVIVED!!!).  It was incredibly tough. 

Finally the snow let up a little (I won't say it stopped... because there has been a STEADY stream of storms but luckily they aren't producing the same crazy amount of snow). 

And then we turned a corner.  We fell into what resembles a routine.  His cries started to have meaning.  There was something suddenly predictable and familiar with his actions.  He would flash the most beautiful, toothless smile on the planet... and I fell even more in love with my son which I didn't think was possible! 

I went from PRAYING he would sleep, and wondering how long God would allow this nap time to last... to missing him during nap time (to the point that I would consider waking him up just so we could snuggle).  I went from pretty much hating breastfeeding in the early days, to loving that I am the only person on this planet who can provide this nourishment for my child.  And where I hated sitting still for so long initially, I now look forward to this time of quiet bonding with my son. 

It's amazing the shift that happens.  Honest truth: those first few weeks I kept thinking, "What have we done???"  Now, I know that Clayton is exactly what Mike and I need.  He's already taught us valuable lessons about communication and relying on each other.  We are so blessed to be making this transition into parenthood.  I feel so blessed that I am slowly but surely becoming a mother.  And I love watching my husband (who had really never held a baby for more than a few minutes) become a father.  I couldn't be more grateful for this amazing, rewarding, complicated, life-changing adventure! 

SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!

THOSE LIPS!!!  THOSE CHEEKS!!!  

NEIGHBOR'S PARKING PAD

A VERY FULL SNOW STORAGE AREA

TRYING ON HATS TO SEE WHAT FITS

FINALLY THE SUN CAME OUT!!! 

IMPRESSIVE SNOW WALLS AT THE NEIGHBORS

WE STAYED COZY AND WARM INSIDE

PLAYTIME

ALL BOY NAP TIME IN THE BABY'S ROOM....
DADDY... BABY... AND DOG ALL CUDDLING

I LOVE THESE SNUGGLES.  

WE EVEN MADE IT OUT OF THE HOUSE ON OCCASION! 

I have a lot to learn about being a mother but I am so grateful for the opportunity!  

Clayton Jude Madden

Ok, so my goal of blogging weekly was a bit ambitious.  That's not going to happen.  Especially considering that our son is now 4 weeks old and I am just getting around to writing a post about him!  They say having a baby changes everything... and there are no truer words.

Clayton Jude made his debut into this world on 1/23/19, weighing 8 lbs 7 oz and was 20.5 inches long.  His name has meaning for Mike and I: Clayton is for Clayton, NY - a place with a lot of meaning for Mike and his family.  And Jude is after my mom, Judy.  He is absolute perfection although his delivery was anything but perfect.  To keep a LONG story short, we went in on Monday night to start the induction process and finally left the hospital on Friday.  He was born Wednesday via emergency c-section when the induction didn't really go as planned.  The cytotec drug gave me cluster contractions (those are straight from Satan himself) and put me into labor.  I progressed QUICKLY in labor however, I couldn't handle it and got an epidural which stopped my pain but also stopped my labor.  So, we started the Pitocin to get labor going again.  He didn't like the Pitocin, so when they would up my dose, his heart rate would drop.  After a LONG time of lying only on my left side and getting small doses of Pitocin, it was time to push.  I pushed for 2 hours before the doctor realized he was face up, not fitting in the birth canal, and wasn't descending with each push... so off to the operating room we went.

Is that how I imagined his birth going?  No.

 Do I care?  Nope.

My baby is here.  He is healthy and happy.  I was able to be awake (perk of already having an epidural in place) during the operation so I got to hear his first little cries.

Mike got to do skin to skin with him while they closed me up and I am SO happy he got those first moments with our son.  While I was still half asleep and high as a kite on morphine, they put that baby on my chest in the recovery room (although all I could think about was getting something to drink for the horrific cotton mouth I had from all the drugs).  All the things I thought I wouldn't be able to do if I had a c-section, like breastfeed asap, I was totally able to do (with some assistance, again I was pretty doped up).  The hospital was amazing.  The staff was all AWESOME.  And for some reason ALL of our nurses were travel nurses from the SOUTH.  Georgia, Tennessee, South Carolina.  It was so crazy.  I felt like I was back in North Carolina listening to them talk.  It was strangely comforting.

One nurse who got me through it all... Cindi.  I won't forget her.  She helped me labor.  She gave me tips and advice.  She comforted me through my tears when the doctor said c-section.  We had just been through so much together at that point.  She was awesome.

Ok, let's get on to the good stuff shall we???  PICTURES OF THE SWEETEST LITTLE BOY ON THE EARTH!

FIRST FAMILY PICTURE

THE SWEETEST FACE

GOING HOME!!! 

ZEPHYR WENT CRAZY!!!!  HE WAS SO EXCITED! 

THIS IS WHAT DAYS OF I.V. FLUIDS LOOKS LIKE.
GLAMOROUS.
TOOK FOREVER FOR THAT FLUID TO GET OUT
OF MY LEGS.  MISERABLE. 

SO ALERT

FOUND HIS THUMB 

SNUGGLES WITH JUJU

DEEP IN THOUGHT AFTER A FEEDING

WE GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR A QUICK STOP
AT ZEPHYR COVE
HE ACTUALLY WAS VERY HAPPY IN THE WRAP
AND TOOK A VERY GOOD NAP.  

ALL MY BOYS

CLAYTON JUDE AND JUJU

CLAYTON AND PA

Y'all.  He's perfect in every way and we feel so blessed to be his mom and dad.  Let the adventures begin!  

Pregnancy

Pregnancy is crazy.  Things are happening to your body and you have no control over it.  Somehow, a woman's body just knows what to do.  It's pretty awesome.

This blog post is mainly for me, to document our pregnancy journey so I can come back to it one day and remember how truly awesome my body is.

DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW OUR LIVES WERE ABOUT TO CHANGE

FIRST "BUMP" PICTURE

TOOK THE BUMP TO YOSEMITE

SMUGGLING A PUMPKIN FOR HALLOWEEN

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!! 

38 WEEKS
FEELING SWOLLEN EVERYWHERE

39 WEEKS!!! 

40 WEEKS AND FEELING BEYOND DONE! 

I feel honored to have carried our sweet son for 41 weeks and 1 day.  And, I choose to find it flattering that he was SO comfortable he didn't want to come out!  It was an amazing journey... now we focus on parenthood!  

Perfect Timing

This past week has been a little bit busy for Mike and I... and a little bit stressful.

My faithful and reliable 2007 Subaru Outback with 202,000 miles on it, began overheating a while ago.  It would only happen occasionally.  Once it was the radiator cap.  Once it was a crack in the radiator.  Nothing too catastrophic and we were diligent about maintaining it.  We also were told it had an oil consumption issue... then we were told it didn't... and then we were told it did again.

THE SUBARU IN CRATER LAKE NATIONAL PARK

Now, let me give you a little backstory:  About a week ago, for NO REASON WHATSOEVER, I started looking at some used cars online.  I just wanted to see what was out there.  I told Mike about it and explained that I kept having this feeling of, "What if something catastrophic happens with my car and I end up stranded with an infant?"  Can a tow truck even accommodate a car seat?  Would I have the car towed and take an Uber if Mike's at work and can't leave???

IN SEQUOIA NATIONAL PARK

Anyway, over Christmas break, coming back from a doctor's appointment in Carson City (8.5 months pregnant), my car overheats.  I was able to pull into a Jiffy Lube, in tears because I'm hormonal and exhausted, where they charge me $45 to take the radiator cap off and put it back on.  That's it.  But they let my car run and it doesn't overheat again so they send me on my way.  It again seems like a quick fix (need a new cap) and I drive it for the next few days without any problems!

AFTER DRIVING THROUGH A TREE IN REDWOOD NATIONAL PARK

Until Tuesday (exactly 1 week til baby's due date).  I'm driving on the highway from one school to another going about 65 (don't worry mom, that's the speed limit).  It wasn't until I got to a stoplight that I realized there was smoke billowing out from the hood of my car.  I look at my temp gauge and it literally can't get any hotter.

But, God's timing is perfect because Mike is off work on Tuesdays and was able to come rescue me.  I took his truck and was able to finish working that day... he took my car and managed to get it to a local shop where they told us: blown head gasket.  Yikes.  Not an expensive part but VERY expensive to fix in terms of labor costs.

We had to figure out a solution... fast.  To fix it, the car would be in the shop for DAYS.  I'm still working (hoping to work right up until this baby comes) which means I need a car.  I could drop Mike off at work in the mornings but IF I go into labor while at work, he can't get to me!

We decide it's best to start looking for a used car.  Ironic, huh?  I was JUST looking at them online.  So, did I jinx us?  Or did I sense it was coming???  I prefer the latter.

LONG story short, we find a "new-to-us" car in Reno that we want to look at.  Mike attempts to drive my car there while I'm at work on Wednesday...  but he gets stranded and has to have it towed.  He spends ALL day at this dealership in Reno trying to figure out an option for us.  We backed out on the used car he went to see for various reasons.  Now what to do?  He's stressed.  And hasn't eaten all day.  After work, I drive to Reno and immediately pick him up to go get food.  Once we solve the low blood sugar issue, we decide: we are getting a new car.  Back at the dealership we make quick decisions, do quick test drives, fill out some quick paperwork, and drive off the lot at almost 7 pm with a 2019 Subaru Outback.

I really don't know how to explain it but when we got in this new car, K love was blasting on the radio which I took as a sign from a higher power, and I just felt like "Yep... this is it."

THE NEW SUBARU

Let me explain why, while stressful, this all worked out as it was supposed to: See, Mike and I had this plan to drive my car until the wheels fell off (which for the most part, we did).  We NEVER would have made such an impromptu decision.  If I hadn't been due with our firstborn in 6 days, we would've taken FOREVER to make a decision on a car.  Our situation put everything in perspective for us.  Another reason the timing is perfect: If our baby had come when I wanted him too, I would have undoubtedly been stranded with an infant!!!  I think God knows what he's doing and I will sit back, relax, and trust his timing.

I miss my old Subaru.  It was a good car.  It got me across the country. It was paid for (I really, REALLY liked that part).  It served me well for almost 7 years!  And if it were just going to be me driving it, we probably would've fixed it and I would've kept it.  But, it's not just about me anymore.  And I feel PRETTY SURE I'm gonna enjoy this new car just as much as my old one.  :) We feel grateful to be in a situation where we CAN buy a new car.  Now that this stressful event is behind us, we sit and wait on God's perfect timing again... when our little man arrives!!!  Stay tuned!

2019: A Year of Big Changes

Until today, I didn't have a New Year's Resolution for 2019 (other than to successfully bring a new life into this world but can that really be my resolution???). 

Today I am 38.5 weeks pregnant and sometime around 37 weeks I decided I was done being pregnant.  But, today I looked at my situation from a different perspective.  Instead of complaining about how swollen my hands and feet are, and how tired and winded I get, I decided to be grateful that my body is carrying this baby so well.  I'm grateful to be at this point.  I'm amazed that I can be at this point and still feel pretty good overall.

I know I have to relinquish my desire for control in this situation.  I can't have this baby when I want to have him.  I will have this baby when God and baby are ready.  It really has nothing to do with me.  Weird. 

So, this realization led me to my 2019 resolution: TO TRUST GOD IN EVERYTHING. 

I realize that sounds like a simple resolution but will ultimately be a gargantuan task for me.  I am an independent person.  I'm a type A planner.  I like to feel that I have some control of my life.  But, the psychological, emotional, and spiritual benefits of surrendering control are healthy and positive for our well-being!  What could be a better resolution for 2019 than a healthy and positive well-being? 

Relationships, finances, career, parenting... I am going to trust God with all of it. 

Like I mentioned earlier, this will be a huge challenge.  And 2019 should provide me with a great start... birthing a human!  Instead of allowing stress and anxiety to control this experience, I will focus on trusting that God already knows exactly how the delivery will go! 

I have some strategies for how to develop this trust and if/when I find successful methods I may share them here.  Otherwise, this will be a personal journey that I hope brings an increase in happiness in my already very happy life. 

Finally, in an effort to communicate as much as possible with friends and family far away, I am going to DO MY VERY BEST to blog more regularly (which, let's face it, will just end up being photo dumps of the baby and dog).  Perhaps weekly?  That may be a bit lofty once I have a newborn.  But hey, it's good to have goals, right?

Stay tuned! 

My "No Plan" Birth Plan

I'm discovering that some women have an idea of their birth plan even before they are pregnant.  I guess these women just know early on that they want to have a natural delivery (or whatever their plan might be).

I do not consider myself to be one of these women.

Please don't misunderstand me... I think it's GREAT that they have a plan for how they want things to go.  But as for me?  I felt very open to all options.

As I told my doctor, let's get one thing clear from the beginning: I don't need to be anyone's hero.  In other words, I would've signed off on an epidural at my first doctor's appointment if they would've let me.

I see no difference between women who have epidurals and women who have natural births.  I think it's AWESOME that some women are able to do it naturally!  Good for them!  And my intention was to be as prepared as possible IF that ended up being the case for me (you can never be too prepared in my opinion).  But are these women somehow stronger or better than other women who have epidurals or c-sections???

Personally, I don't think so.

My "No Plan" Birth Plan originally consisted of any/all options including but not limited to:
(please note that these are not ranked in any order)
1) Natural delivery.
2) Any/all drugs available.
3) C-section.
4)  Magic???  Somehow the baby just magically appears outside of me in a totally painfree way?

Like I said before, I am open to ALL options.

That is... until my doctor told me after my 20 week ultrasound that I would very likely have a c-section.  I immediately felt a little deflated.  The mom in me totally understood that a c-section would be the safest option for myself and my baby... but the therapist in me wanted my baby to come when he's ready.  My doctor explained that he would be slightly pre-term and I felt disappointed that my baby would miss out on those last weeks of development for the brain and lungs and liver. 

I had a complete placenta previa meaning that the placenta was covering my cervix and basically, there was no natural way out for the baby.  If it didn't move (and my doc did not think that it would), then I would need to have a c-section BEFORE going into labor (because contractions could cause the placenta to detach and I could hemorrhage and we could both die).  Because we live 7500 feet above sea level, this is considered a "high altitude" pregnancy and those babies MAY tend to come early so I was told the c-section would happen at 37 weeks.  I was also told that because of our altitude, combined with the previa, our baby COULD be slightly smaller than average because both things can complicate intrauterine growth. 

So, the benefit of having this slight complication is that I got to have more regular ultrasounds to check on the baby's growth and to check the location of the placenta.  With each ultrasound I was given good news... but with the warning that although the placenta HAD moved, it still hadn't moved quite enough.  On the other hand, the baby was growing steadily (in the 66th percentile I might add) so no concerns there. 

Finally, at my 32 week ultrasound I was told the placenta had moved completely and I was now a candidate for a vaginal delivery.  No more scheduled c-section talk... we were now waiting on baby to make his own debut into the world.  I felt relieved, but also terrified. 

Let's fast forward to yesterday... 12/28.  I went to the doc for a routine appointment.  I'm 37.5 weeks pregnant.  The day I hit 37 weeks was the day I went from feeling "really good" to feeling "so done with this pregnancy."  Not sure why other than some pregnancy symptoms started REALLY ramping up (swelling in my hands, carpal tunnel in both wrists, inability to sleep at night, difficulty putting on shoes, etc).  So, I head into my appointment just knowing that the doc is going to tell me I'm well on my way to having this baby soon. 

Nope. 

Basically I was told that my cervix was completely closed.  More or less nothing was happening yet other than baby appears to be head down.  I left the appointment, got in my car, and just started crying.  Once the tears started, I literally could not turn them off.  Then, I felt so ridiculous for crying about this (2.5 weeks before my actual due date), that I started crying HARDER!  These pregnancy hormones are no joke!

In between sobs I talked with Mike about it and he (ingeniously) pointed out that in a way I probably do feel "past due" because for months we talked about baby coming at 37 weeks.  Duh.  Why didn't I think of that?  I couldn't figure out why I felt SO "past due" and I was absolutely DREADING the possibility of being pregnant for another 2.5 weeks (or God FORBID even longer).  Suddenly my emotions made a little more sense to me (although I still primarily blame hormones because I can literally cry over ANYTHING right now). 

So, my current perspective is this: This baby will come when it is his time.  I have no control over that and I'm actually grateful for that fact.  The best things are worth waiting for.  This season of pregnancy too shall pass.  I already feel that I am going to miss these kicks and punches (yep, even the ones to the bladder) so I am going to relax and savor these moments as much as I possibly can.  I will focus on the fact that God's timing is ALWAYS accurate.  Always.  And just like a kid at Christmas, I will enjoy this time of anticipation while I continue to count my ridiculous blessings. 

Much love from Tahoe,
XOXO